*Warning: This will be boring.

Sometimes being an adult is incredibly difficult.

I wouldn’t give up the life I have for anything, but I do sometimes think about the life I may be living if I had chosen a different path. Mostly with the kids. If we had chosen to just live life the two of us, I don’t think Cory and I would still be in Oklahoma. Probably not even the states.

We fantasize non-stop about traveling willie nillie with no goal or destination in mind. Just going where the wind takes us. And yes, we’re hippies at heart. Or I’d like to think we are. Honestly I think we both just wish we could be Chris McCandless for a little while, before we get too old.

And just so you know, someday I will make it to the magic bus. It’s a life goal that has to be fulfilled.

I still dream of the day when the kids are grown and we can spend a summer in Spain, laying on the beach eating paella and drinking sangria.

Just look at that water….

I’ve always felt like I belonged by the ocean. Did you know I wanted to be a marine biologist when I was young? My dream was so hardcore that my mom and dad were willing to send me to the summer learning program at Sea World. Of course now I view Sea World as evil wardens of death, imprisonment and destruction…

I’ve been thinking a lot about the future. (I wonder how many times I’ve written that exact line in this blog. I think about the future quite frequently.)
My employers love me. Like really really love me. My boss is incredibly nice, although it is weird to work for someone 5 years younger than me, and his wife and I have kinda bonded.

Thing is that his wife is his main assistant, and she would like to quit some time in the near future. She has her own dreams..dreams of staying home and having babies. Something I can totally relate to.

They would like to, when the time comes, promote me making me full time and filling her position.

This is fantastic news for us financially. The idea of not having to live check to check and stress about our finances is almost too exciting to even think about. Like it’s too good to be true.

Honestly though, we’re at that point right now with me working just part time.
See, I want to move. I’d really love to move.

But when we have a trailer that’s paid off on land that could some day be ours, it wouldn’t make sense financially to do so.

So my new goal is to make this trailer something I can really fall in love with. And we will save money to some day build our dream house.

So do I really need to work full time? Is it really necessary to take that promotion if it does come available? Right now leaving my kids for 4 hours a day is really taking its toll on me. I miss them so terribly bad that it’s almost unbearable. What makes it even worse is missing my husband. I don’t see him until I get home at almost 9pm, when it’s time to go to bed.

Last night we stayed up til nearly 2am just talking, and I couldn’t help but think about how much I miss him. Things have been strained around here lately, and I feel like we’re coming out of our cloud of funk. I want nothing more than to spend time with him.

Then there’s this whole photography thing.
In case you haven’t noticed, I’ve been booking gigs like crazy.  I’m only getting 30 bucks a pop for most of these jobs, but for right now I’m just trying to build up my portfolio and am doing it just for the fun of it, since the money isn’t really an issue right now.

But I’ve gained the experience I know I need, and people tell me I’m good at it and should pursue it full time.

So basically it boils down to two decisions:
If this job comes available as a full time position, do I take it? Or do I focus on photography? If I do, I will actually register as a legitimate business after the first of the year, and invest in more equipment with our tax return.
If I do that, then I have a whole other can of worms to deal with as far as the equipment to get.
I love my Pentax, and could invest in a wide angle lens and a second body, and be more than well equipped.
But let’s just be honest, Pentax isn’t really a well respected brand in most circles, and I’m a Canon girl at heart.
I lust after the 5d mark ii constantly. I could get the Canon and use my Pentax as a back up/second body.
But the price difference is astronomical. I could get the Pentax equipment for half the price of getting a new set up with Canon.

And do I look into renting a studio space? Or at least an office space? To gain more credibility and set myself apart from all the other “photographers” around me?

Then there’s always option 3. Work the job full time and keep building my photography business, in hopes that some day it will pay me enough that neither Cory nor I will need a full time job?

The problem there is I’m incredibly loyal when it comes to nice employers, and I wouldn’t want to take the job unless I was committed to stick it out for the long run.

These are the things that make my head spin and make me think I need to hire a professional decision maker to make all my decisions. Not just the big life changing ones, but even the simple ones like what to cook for dinner.

And now that I’ve managed to tally bore you with my dribble, you can go about your day. Me? I’m gonna keep making my brain bleed internally by worrying and fretting about the future of everything down to whether I should keep wearing my favorite pair of shoes or toss them because the bottoms are almost completely gone.

I’m gonna need more coffee.